Unrequitted Love

Have you ever fallen in love with someone who was your friend and had to turn and crush those feelings because they don't feel the same way? ?They just like you like a friend, like a brother. Everytime.

It's not easy to drop. You can't just erase the feelings you have for someone, though I wish it were not so.

You think about them every day. You long for them, just to be with them, just for them to hold you and you hold them. It's painful. It hurts. It's like being a vampire who can never drink blood again. It's depressing and heartbreaking.

But the friendship is worth the sacrifice.

I will get through this

Truth, worry and torture

Some time ago, I told someone special that I had a crush on them - I said it to their face, a few minutes before we had to say goodbye. Afterwards, I was scared shitless because I didn't know what they thought of it. I had my laptop on me at the time and I wrote my thoughts down. They turned into some sort of poetic thing. No idea why. But anyway, this is what I wrote.


Afraid, contented. Happy, demented.
I did it. I told them I had a crush on them.
What am I doing? What am I going to do?
I’ve probably scared them off.
Backed away, turned around, legged it.
At least I told the truth. I can’t be sorry for that.
But what happens now? Where does time go?
What angels and demons have I just unleashed?
I am scared, and yet I feel this was meant to be.
The bonds are still there, they have not been broken.
Could this be the start of brand new?
A new chapter.

I’ve hurt their feelings, I know I have.
They’ll never look at me again.
The same – the same as before.
Just as it was with her, long ago.
Yet still so recent.
I’ve been here before. Never thought I’d return.
Now fate decides the future.
Do I go up? Do I go down?
Or will things remain the same forever?

It’s the unknown. That’s what scares me.
A sense of impending disaster.
Will everything I know just fall apart?
Everyone I know, will they leave me alone?
I doubt it. And I hope what I doubt.
Told them, didn’t I.
I said those words and broke down the barrier.
Now life is hell without you.
Never done this before. But you have to start somewhere, don’t you?
Leave it to time to sort things out.
Whatever happens, happens. And time will wash all things away.

Did I do good?
…we shall see.

The Circle

Friendships are often hard to come by. There is so much lies and deciet in the world. I keep my friends close at hand, like a hand of top trumps. And no, I don't use them against each other in some elaborate game or battle.

To me, my friends are my life. There was once a time, when I was a university student, when I near enough felt lost, alone and heart broken after the people whom I thought were my close friends turned against me and betrayed me. They only liked me for a laugh and were out for their own ends. Selfish, single minded and attension seeking bullies. Not all of them. Just a few. It was a dark part of my life where I thought I could trust no one, and the girl that I loved had well and truly removed part of my soul.

But after moving from university, I started to talk to some people who were interested in the same things as myself. We had quite a lot in common and we became the greatest of friends. Two of these began with Tony Coburn and Thomas Rees Kaye from youtube. They'd inspired me. And pretty soon, Matthew Chambers followed into the fold to be joined by Hannah Wollaston and many many others.

These are people who I have been there for. I often listen to people's troubles - I'm an agony uncle of sorts - but that's not to say I'm complaining about it. I enjoy being there for people who need me, so long as they can take on board the advice I give them.

Those who have returned the favour to me have become part of a very close bond of friendships - something I call the circle. The circle is a group of my top friends. Friends I talk to most. Friends who are willing to listen to my problems and give me help and advice and love and friendship in return for the same I give them. If there was no circle, I would not be.

Some people have asked me to make a vid saying who IS in the circle, but I refused because some people are not in it. They'd feel upset because of this. One person who found that out threw a massive depressed wobbly about it and demanded to know why they werent in the circle. And the reason is because they concentrated so much on being depressed all the time that the hours and hours I spent shouting advice and friendship at them went to waste because they never took it on board or listened. I hate manic depressants. They never listen.

The circle is made of people who DO listen, who DO take on board each others advice and friendship. We all hold each other together as one body, one soul. And the wonderful thing is there are no walls to the circle because it just keeps on getting bigger and bigger as more and more friends become part of it.


Long may it expand, for the more friends we have, the better!