Recently in my life, things have taken a darker turn. I try my best to help my friends with their problems and make things alright but everything falls apart at some time. Some people are throwing away who they were; wanting to change, to grow up and be more serious. They don't even want to be around the people who actually do fun things, because they consider them to be very childish.
Sometimes I wonder if the world is turning into my dad - no imagination, all boring logic.
I for one will never change.
Monday 23 March 2009
Sunday 8 March 2009
In need of a companion
I bought a DOCTOR WHO 'Rose Tyler' action figure yesterday, to go with my collection. I also bought the 9th Doctor figure too. I like buying figures but only because they are usefull for helping me with my writing ideas.
Most of my friends went off to a party last night in High Wycombe, but I couldnt go because I can't afford it. Money's rather low. Last night was a rather lonely night. I didnt do much; just stayed in, watched 'Licence to Wed' on DVD - great film - and then sat at my desk writing for hours and listening to the soundtrack to STARDUST.
It was quite an emotional night. I was on the tea and Rose (red wine) and was in my regular zone. When I write I like to light a candle on the desk - perhaps as a reminder to calm myself and keep me going. But last night I was sad that I couldnt be at that party miles away. I love parties.
I missed my friends, but more strongly I thought more on the fact that I've been travelling alone for far too long. It's high time I got myself a companion; someone to hold me and just make me feel better. I'm tired of not being able to love because I mustn't or can't. I'm always the "brother" figure. It gets on my nerves.
But still, I'd rather have friends than none at all. They are my family.
A guy can only dream
Most of my friends went off to a party last night in High Wycombe, but I couldnt go because I can't afford it. Money's rather low. Last night was a rather lonely night. I didnt do much; just stayed in, watched 'Licence to Wed' on DVD - great film - and then sat at my desk writing for hours and listening to the soundtrack to STARDUST.
It was quite an emotional night. I was on the tea and Rose (red wine) and was in my regular zone. When I write I like to light a candle on the desk - perhaps as a reminder to calm myself and keep me going. But last night I was sad that I couldnt be at that party miles away. I love parties.
I missed my friends, but more strongly I thought more on the fact that I've been travelling alone for far too long. It's high time I got myself a companion; someone to hold me and just make me feel better. I'm tired of not being able to love because I mustn't or can't. I'm always the "brother" figure. It gets on my nerves.
But still, I'd rather have friends than none at all. They are my family.
A guy can only dream
Thursday 5 March 2009
Unrequitted Love
Have you ever fallen in love with someone who was your friend and had to turn and crush those feelings because they don't feel the same way? ?They just like you like a friend, like a brother. Everytime.
It's not easy to drop. You can't just erase the feelings you have for someone, though I wish it were not so.
You think about them every day. You long for them, just to be with them, just for them to hold you and you hold them. It's painful. It hurts. It's like being a vampire who can never drink blood again. It's depressing and heartbreaking.
But the friendship is worth the sacrifice.
I will get through this
It's not easy to drop. You can't just erase the feelings you have for someone, though I wish it were not so.
You think about them every day. You long for them, just to be with them, just for them to hold you and you hold them. It's painful. It hurts. It's like being a vampire who can never drink blood again. It's depressing and heartbreaking.
But the friendship is worth the sacrifice.
I will get through this
Truth, worry and torture
Some time ago, I told someone special that I had a crush on them - I said it to their face, a few minutes before we had to say goodbye. Afterwards, I was scared shitless because I didn't know what they thought of it. I had my laptop on me at the time and I wrote my thoughts down. They turned into some sort of poetic thing. No idea why. But anyway, this is what I wrote.
Afraid, contented. Happy, demented.
I did it. I told them I had a crush on them.
What am I doing? What am I going to do?
I’ve probably scared them off.
Backed away, turned around, legged it.
At least I told the truth. I can’t be sorry for that.
But what happens now? Where does time go?
What angels and demons have I just unleashed?
I am scared, and yet I feel this was meant to be.
The bonds are still there, they have not been broken.
Could this be the start of brand new?
A new chapter.
I’ve hurt their feelings, I know I have.
They’ll never look at me again.
The same – the same as before.
Just as it was with her, long ago.
Yet still so recent.
I’ve been here before. Never thought I’d return.
Now fate decides the future.
Do I go up? Do I go down?
Or will things remain the same forever?
It’s the unknown. That’s what scares me.
A sense of impending disaster.
Will everything I know just fall apart?
Everyone I know, will they leave me alone?
I doubt it. And I hope what I doubt.
Told them, didn’t I.
I said those words and broke down the barrier.
Now life is hell without you.
Never done this before. But you have to start somewhere, don’t you?
Leave it to time to sort things out.
Whatever happens, happens. And time will wash all things away.
Did I do good?
…we shall see.
Afraid, contented. Happy, demented.
I did it. I told them I had a crush on them.
What am I doing? What am I going to do?
I’ve probably scared them off.
Backed away, turned around, legged it.
At least I told the truth. I can’t be sorry for that.
But what happens now? Where does time go?
What angels and demons have I just unleashed?
I am scared, and yet I feel this was meant to be.
The bonds are still there, they have not been broken.
Could this be the start of brand new?
A new chapter.
I’ve hurt their feelings, I know I have.
They’ll never look at me again.
The same – the same as before.
Just as it was with her, long ago.
Yet still so recent.
I’ve been here before. Never thought I’d return.
Now fate decides the future.
Do I go up? Do I go down?
Or will things remain the same forever?
It’s the unknown. That’s what scares me.
A sense of impending disaster.
Will everything I know just fall apart?
Everyone I know, will they leave me alone?
I doubt it. And I hope what I doubt.
Told them, didn’t I.
I said those words and broke down the barrier.
Now life is hell without you.
Never done this before. But you have to start somewhere, don’t you?
Leave it to time to sort things out.
Whatever happens, happens. And time will wash all things away.
Did I do good?
…we shall see.
Wednesday 4 March 2009
Determination, Lack of
I've started reading some of my old books again; books that I put down ages ago. Two of these are STORY by Robert Mckee and Stanislavski's THE ACTOR PREPARES. I want to get into the role of the actor I should be - focussed, determined and hard working. I've become far too lazy of late, and I don't like it one bit.
I've always meant to go to the gym and start getting into an exercise routine. Ha! Like that ever happened. When it comes down to HAVING the time to go do these things I just can't be arsed or am not in the mood for it. For one thing it means doing it on my own, which is a daunting task because I'm never confident enough by myself. I always tend to just give up, as if there's no point in doing it. What I need is someone to tag along for encouragement and dual energy. Like I'm going to find someone like that here!
The best I can do is force myself to do it. But so far, I'm enjoying reading these books a chapter at a time; a nice steady pace to work at and take in information. I curse my dyslexia most of the time - it makes my attension span go out the window in 20 seconds flat. That's all I remember of university - the daydreaming in lectures because the topics went right over my head. A waste of time and money? Maybe. But it also gave me some standard or level to reach for.
I've been thinking of going back to College to redo drama again. Just so that I can get back into the feel of it and tackle it with this whole new understanding that I gained at University. It's only now that I'm reading the books that I start to understand them. I've always been a slow developer. I hate that fact. If I hit something that's difficult to understand or just far too technical, my brain just switches off and goes to sleep. It sees a brick walls and thinks "Oh well. Can't go any further, yet." I don't want to be like that. I want to get on in life.
If I try to be more determined, then hopefully things will improve.
I've always meant to go to the gym and start getting into an exercise routine. Ha! Like that ever happened. When it comes down to HAVING the time to go do these things I just can't be arsed or am not in the mood for it. For one thing it means doing it on my own, which is a daunting task because I'm never confident enough by myself. I always tend to just give up, as if there's no point in doing it. What I need is someone to tag along for encouragement and dual energy. Like I'm going to find someone like that here!
The best I can do is force myself to do it. But so far, I'm enjoying reading these books a chapter at a time; a nice steady pace to work at and take in information. I curse my dyslexia most of the time - it makes my attension span go out the window in 20 seconds flat. That's all I remember of university - the daydreaming in lectures because the topics went right over my head. A waste of time and money? Maybe. But it also gave me some standard or level to reach for.
I've been thinking of going back to College to redo drama again. Just so that I can get back into the feel of it and tackle it with this whole new understanding that I gained at University. It's only now that I'm reading the books that I start to understand them. I've always been a slow developer. I hate that fact. If I hit something that's difficult to understand or just far too technical, my brain just switches off and goes to sleep. It sees a brick walls and thinks "Oh well. Can't go any further, yet." I don't want to be like that. I want to get on in life.
If I try to be more determined, then hopefully things will improve.
Sunday 1 March 2009
The Circle
Friendships are often hard to come by. There is so much lies and deciet in the world. I keep my friends close at hand, like a hand of top trumps. And no, I don't use them against each other in some elaborate game or battle.
To me, my friends are my life. There was once a time, when I was a university student, when I near enough felt lost, alone and heart broken after the people whom I thought were my close friends turned against me and betrayed me. They only liked me for a laugh and were out for their own ends. Selfish, single minded and attension seeking bullies. Not all of them. Just a few. It was a dark part of my life where I thought I could trust no one, and the girl that I loved had well and truly removed part of my soul.
But after moving from university, I started to talk to some people who were interested in the same things as myself. We had quite a lot in common and we became the greatest of friends. Two of these began with Tony Coburn and Thomas Rees Kaye from youtube. They'd inspired me. And pretty soon, Matthew Chambers followed into the fold to be joined by Hannah Wollaston and many many others.
These are people who I have been there for. I often listen to people's troubles - I'm an agony uncle of sorts - but that's not to say I'm complaining about it. I enjoy being there for people who need me, so long as they can take on board the advice I give them.
Those who have returned the favour to me have become part of a very close bond of friendships - something I call the circle. The circle is a group of my top friends. Friends I talk to most. Friends who are willing to listen to my problems and give me help and advice and love and friendship in return for the same I give them. If there was no circle, I would not be.
Some people have asked me to make a vid saying who IS in the circle, but I refused because some people are not in it. They'd feel upset because of this. One person who found that out threw a massive depressed wobbly about it and demanded to know why they werent in the circle. And the reason is because they concentrated so much on being depressed all the time that the hours and hours I spent shouting advice and friendship at them went to waste because they never took it on board or listened. I hate manic depressants. They never listen.
The circle is made of people who DO listen, who DO take on board each others advice and friendship. We all hold each other together as one body, one soul. And the wonderful thing is there are no walls to the circle because it just keeps on getting bigger and bigger as more and more friends become part of it.
Long may it expand, for the more friends we have, the better!
To me, my friends are my life. There was once a time, when I was a university student, when I near enough felt lost, alone and heart broken after the people whom I thought were my close friends turned against me and betrayed me. They only liked me for a laugh and were out for their own ends. Selfish, single minded and attension seeking bullies. Not all of them. Just a few. It was a dark part of my life where I thought I could trust no one, and the girl that I loved had well and truly removed part of my soul.
But after moving from university, I started to talk to some people who were interested in the same things as myself. We had quite a lot in common and we became the greatest of friends. Two of these began with Tony Coburn and Thomas Rees Kaye from youtube. They'd inspired me. And pretty soon, Matthew Chambers followed into the fold to be joined by Hannah Wollaston and many many others.
These are people who I have been there for. I often listen to people's troubles - I'm an agony uncle of sorts - but that's not to say I'm complaining about it. I enjoy being there for people who need me, so long as they can take on board the advice I give them.
Those who have returned the favour to me have become part of a very close bond of friendships - something I call the circle. The circle is a group of my top friends. Friends I talk to most. Friends who are willing to listen to my problems and give me help and advice and love and friendship in return for the same I give them. If there was no circle, I would not be.
Some people have asked me to make a vid saying who IS in the circle, but I refused because some people are not in it. They'd feel upset because of this. One person who found that out threw a massive depressed wobbly about it and demanded to know why they werent in the circle. And the reason is because they concentrated so much on being depressed all the time that the hours and hours I spent shouting advice and friendship at them went to waste because they never took it on board or listened. I hate manic depressants. They never listen.
The circle is made of people who DO listen, who DO take on board each others advice and friendship. We all hold each other together as one body, one soul. And the wonderful thing is there are no walls to the circle because it just keeps on getting bigger and bigger as more and more friends become part of it.
Long may it expand, for the more friends we have, the better!
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